Babies, Babies Everywhere

There are babies everywhere. Pregnant women, too. Maybe I am just noticing it more because of what has has happened in the past few months, but I am seriously convinced that there are babies and pregnant women everywhere! And this weekend, for some reason, I found that realization made me sad. This weekend I was making my way through an incredibly packed Costco when it hit me. Aisle after aisle was filled with expectant moms with their round, swollen bellies and expectant fathers, pushing gigantic carts filled with gigantic-sized boxes of diapers and formula. Then there were the new moms, the ones pushing carts with pink and blue car seats, with tiny little babies. They too were stocking up on the baby goods. After surviving Costco on a Saturday, I decide to tackle Target. Big mistake. There were more babies. Lots of them. New parents picking out spring clothes for their infants. Expectant parents with those magic little guns that allow you to register for all the things you want the doting grandparents-to-be to buy you. I cried all the way home. Church was really no different this week - more babies and toddlers too. There was even a baptism. On the way home I told Dave it wasn't fair. The entire weekend was one big constant reminder that I'm not pregnant and that we don't have a baby of our own to stock up on diapers for, or to pick out spring outfits, or to baptize. Yes, this is me complaining.

They always say that you want what you cant have. In my case, I want what I DON'T have. If you would have asked me last summer, up until about December if I noticed babies and pregnant women I would have told you no. Then I found that I was pregnant and my whole world shifted - the focus was babies. From the moment you find out you're pregnant you become a mother. You feel like a mother, you act like a mother, you notice other mothers-to-be. When our pregnancy ended a few weeks ago, those feelings didn't end for me. It was so weird to not feel pregnant anymore... I had gotten used to the nausea, fatigue, and constant hunger. I got used to protecting my body from harmful things like caffeine and stress. Now I'm not pregnant and my body has returned to normal. Well, a new normal I suppose. Needless to say, Dave and I went from being completely content newlyweds, to longing to grow our family together. Contrary to what others may say, including those pesky ladies with their miscarriage advice, we ARE ready to have a family and we WILL be great parents.

Patience. It's what I told myself I was working on this year during the Lenten season. This weekend I not only realized that I was being completely impatient but I was being envious, jealous, greedy, and a down-right terrible Christian. Maybe it's delayed grieving. Or maybe I'm just really really bad at practicing patience. Either way, this weekend showed me the ugly side of myself. I should have looked at those parents-to-be and new babies with happiness, and love, and gratitude. I don't know their stories. I don't know whether they too suffered the pain of a miscarriage or two. Or whether they had fertility problems. Or even whether their children were biological or adopted. I need to learn to not only be patient, but to be non-judgemental and to rid of envy. For the remainder of lent, I'm expanding my focus to include both of these things (I have a slight feeling they may extend beyond lent, just saying). Because someday I'll be the new parent stocking up on mega-sized boxes of diapers at Costco and I want to be an example of hope and grace for those women who might silently be hurting, too.

I'm still convinced that babies are everywhere, though. Must be something about the fresh, spring air!