A Little Lesson...in What NOT to Say

We've felt an overwhelming amount of support, love, and encouragement in the past week. Our family and friends have been praying for us and for our lost baby and we couldn't be any more thankful for that. Our hearts are beginning to heal. However, there have been a few moments and conversations in the past few days that have left me feeling even more heartbroken, angry, and confused.

I know how difficult it is to know what to say to people when they experience something bad - be it a death, a job loss, a cancer diagnosis, and even a miscarriage. On the other hand, I'd like to think that most people at least know what NOT to say. I thought I'd share a few examples of what not to say in case you're ever in a situation of offering support and sympathy.

Let me preface these examples by giving you some background as to where most of them came from. Most of you know that I work in an oncology department at a community hospital. Therefore, I work with people who treat and support those affected by a terrible, often incurable, disease. These people tend to be empathetic, supportive, and very aware of what they say to patients. These are also people who understand the importance of privacy - we are governed by a little thing called HIPAA afterall.

Onto the examples. When someone has been away from work for a few days and you've been notified that it's because of a "medical emergency" you do NOT ask them when they return what the medical emergency was. If they offer the information willingly, then it's okay to talk about it. But walking up to someone and saying, "So what was your medical emergency?" is not an acceptable or appropriate question.

And since people can't seem to keep anything you tell them private (even in a place that values privacy), most people already knew about the miscarriage. While some were very supportive and offered great advice, lots of hugs, and great conversation, others felt the need to offer more inappropriate comments. Again, here are a few things NOT to say: "Well, you just got married and you really shouldn't have been trying to start a family yet anyways" OR "Oh, you are way too young anyways... you'll have plenty of time to have kids in your life" OR "It happens to so many women I don't know why people get surprised when this happens" OR my personal favorite "Well, having two days off will certainly help you to get over it". Yes, these are all real comments and if you're even remotely human you may probably be sitting with your jaw dropped, wanting to punch each of the people responsible for these comments. Those were my immediate responses, anyways.

So, there you have it. A few examples of what NOT to say. I'd like to think everyone reading this blog is intelligent enough to know that those are not appropriate comments to make in any situation. The hardest part is often figuring out what you should say. And my advice is simple: tell someone dealing with a loss that you're there to listen, you're there for a hug, you're very sorry, and that you will pray for them. And don't just say those things - mean them and do what you promise.