Twenty-Three Months

I should preface this post by saying that it's been brewing in my head for a long time...over the past year, actually. I wasn't sure if I wanted to expose the honest truth about one of my greatest struggles as a parent but here I am, spilling the beans because it's finally easier to talk about it than to pretend like it doesn't exist. This will be a long, probably boring post that nobody may ever read but it's a part of our story, Sophia's story, and I need to document it someplace. And if you're a sleep-deprived parent of a child with sleep issues, I know you'll appreciate the honesty.

Twenty three months. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve had a full, good night’s sleep. Actually, if you include those uncomfortable months of pregnancy when restful sleep was unachievable, you’re looking at more than two years without sleep. Two Years of absolute sleep deprivation.

I know I’m not the only parent who has experienced this type of sleep deprivation. And if I’m being completely honest, I am thankful for that. I am thankful to have met other moms to commiserate with (hey Jessica!). I’m thankful to find other moms awake in the wee hours of the morning writing blog posts about how their toddler won’t sleep. It makes me feel a little better and a little less alone in this journey.

I should start by saying that I love my child dearly. In fact, sometimes I think our sleep issues stem from the fact that I love Sophia so darn much. When she was a newborn she was spoiled rotten (who are we kidding, she still is!). We held her all the time. We fed her when she cried. We gave into her every single demand, no matter the time of day. Why? Because we were new parents. We were ignorant. We were lost trying to navigate the big ole’ sea of parenthood without any sort of clear map or guidance. Sure, I had read the baby books, including those on sleep. Sure, I’d taken my fair share of college courses regarding child development. Sure, we’d listened to the advice from family and friends. The truth is, it’s incredibly easy to get off track early on, especially if your child has the type of personality that Sophia has. So, yes, I love my child more than I ever thought possible. With that said, having a child who isn’t fond of sleep is the single most challenging issue I think I’ll ever face as a parent. It makes being a parent SO hard.

What’s so bad about Sophia’s sleep habits, you ask? Well, the shortened version is that she’s never liked to sleep. Even as a baby, she would sleep in small increments. It’s as though she never really fell into a deep sleep. She preferred to be held when she slept or in constant movement. If we weren’t rocking her, she had to be in a moving car, her swing, or her vibrating bouncy seat. Simply laying Sophia in her crib for a nap or at night was never an option. We tried swaddling and not swaddling. We tried a white noise machine, music, and no noise at all. We tried nightlights and complete darkness. We tried rocking to the point of being drowsy and putting her down and not rocking at all. My child is made of stone and apparently Dave and I are not. Sophia has the sweetest, bubbly, most charming little personality. Everyone who meets her comments on how fun, sweet, and smart she is. And after they spend a little more time with her, they also comment on how stubborn, strong-willed, independent, and determined she is. Yes, most toddlers have these characteristics. My child…she’s just a little more of everything. A little more stubborn. A little more determined. A little more manipulative. She’s just more than your average toddler.

Family and friends used to think we were kidding about Sophia’s sleep. They didn’t (and couldn’t) possibly understand. We would try to structure our days around what little routine or schedule Sophia would allow. We would spend hours driving around at night just to get her to stop crying and fall asleep long enough for us to get some rest. We would cancel plans with friends if Sophia fell asleep. To this day, I will not throw my child off of the schedule we’ve worked so hard to establish. People think we’re been stuffy, or over-protective, or just downright mean but the truth is, when you’re in our situation, you do what you have to in order to ensure your child gets proper rest. And sometimes, I don’t have the energy to have adult conversations, put on nice clothes, or even get up off the couch once I finally get Sophia down for the night.

We’ve talked to numerous pediatricians, visited a sleep doctor, consulted with other specialists to rule out medical causes, and spent hours pouring through books and online articles about sleep. Sometimes I feel like a sleep expert myself. I could tell you exactly what to do with a newborn baby to help establish good sleep routines from the very beginning. I can name every single method of sleep training and their respective authors. I can tell you the benefits and disadvantages of said sleep training methods. I can pretty much recite useless sleep information until I’m blue in the face. The truth is: I still can’t get my toddler to sleep!

While Sophia still doesn’t sleep through the night, we’ve made some progress. Our biggest accomplishment: naptime! Sophia transitioned to one nap a day shortly before her first birthday and this has really helped. Sophia eats lunch at 11:30am every day and then goes down for a nap at noon. She usually sleeps three hours, sometimes a little less and other times a little more. This has been my saving grace. I have never been so thankful for that break in our day, especially if we’ve had a rough night. I used to spend Sophia’s naptime getting stuff done around the house. Now, I lie in bed and close my eyes, if even just to rest because my goodness, I think I’ve earned an afternoon nap. Plus, I never know what my night is going to look like.

At nighttime, Sophia has a pretty consistent bedtime routine. After dinner we have some playtime before heading upstairs for her bath. After bath she puts on her jammies and we read books. Sophia needs a good half hour of down time before going to sleep and reading books helps. She gets a cup of milk (and sometimes a snack if she didn’t eat a good dinner). Then it’s bedtime. Sophia’s in a big bed now and we’re trying hard to break her of the rocking-to-sleep habit. The sleep doctor said it’s perfectly fine to rock your child before bed, but that it’s best to put her down while she’s still awake but drowsy. This where I think the sleep doctor needs to come to my house. This is an impossible task. We’ve tried. Or I should say Dave’s tried because I get too frustrated with this process. Sophia’s personality simply doesn’t allow for this. Her persistence results in constant getting back up and we have to start the process all over again, only we take ten steps back each time and she becomes more awake than sleepy. Once we finally get Sophia asleep in her bed, she’ll likely wake up 2-3 times which requires us starting over with her routine. Sometimes if I’m lucky I can sort of push her body back down in bed and rub her back until she falls back asleep. Sometimes she doesn’t fall back into a deep, restful sleep and she stirs every half hour or so. Sophia is always up for the day at 4 a.m. Yes, 4 a.m. My child has always been an early riser and again, the sleep doctor said that this will likely not change. Some people are biologically programmed this way. Joy!

Why am I sharing all of this? Because I know that I am not the only parent experiencing this. I know that people like to brag about what great sleepers their children are and those with kids like Sophia, well, they hide in shame because it’s easier NOT to talk about the struggles. I also feel like this blog is a good way for me to document everything about parenting – the good, the bad, and the downright ugly (file sleep issues under ugly). I feel like I’ve done a horrible job of documenting Sophia’s first two years of life in the form of an actual baby book or scrapbook or something tangible because I don’t have the extra energy in me. I enjoy writing and wish I had done more these last two years but for now, this blog will serve as a place to look back someday, when Sophia’s a little older, and reflect on the good, the bad, and the ugly experiences of these early years.

I am confident that we’ll get past this and someday it’ll seem like an insignificant issue compared to what the teenage years will likely bring. But for now, it’s real life. It’s hard. It’s our reality and I can’t undermine that. I can only hope that when our next baby comes along, I’ll approach sleep in a whole new way and will do everything in my power to make sure that baby #2 is the best darn sleeper in the whole wide world. I can dream, can’t I?

Just for fun, here are a few recent pictures of Sophia...