Grayson

Seven weeks later and I'm here to announce that we've welcomed a sweet baby boy into our family!

 Grayson Charles was born on Tuesday, August 6th after an early induction, failed epidural, and two pushes! He has a full head of a dark hair and beautiful dark eyes. He started out as a calm baby but the tides have quickly turned. He nurses like I'm a 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet, is being treated for reflux, and has decided that he'll only sleep if he's strapped to my body in the Ergo or Moby. But it's all good because this stage will soon pass and so will his sweet newborn-ness. In fact, in just seven weeks he's grown from a tiny, scrawny little 7 pound baby to a chubby-cheeked 12.5 pound lug. Still cute as can be though!

 

We're still settling into life as a family of four. Sophia loves her baby brother is gives him hugs and kisses often. She calls him "bubba" and "little buddy" and tells him that she loves him about a hundred times a day. Don't let that sweetness fool you, she does ask for me to "put him away" sometimes and she clearly misses her mommy-Sophia time. I completely took for granted the simplicity of life with just one child.

 

I hope to find some time soon to catch up on all of the details of Grayson's life thus far, but for now, I'm busy doing life with my two littles!



Sophia: 27 Months

This age is my favorite. Despite the challenging moments that come along with parenting a two year old, there are so many joyous, beautiful, melt-your-heart moments that far outweigh any of the hard stuff. I wish I could bottle up her little personality so that I never forget her at this age. But I know that as she grows, the little details will fade from my memory. Here are a few of things I really don’t want to forget about my 27 month old Sophia…

Her laugh. Her sweet little giggle is incredibly infectious. She thinks that everything she says is funny and will insist that you giggle along with her. She loves to call everything and everyone silly. She’ll squint her little eyes, reach out her hands like she’s going to tickle something, let out a little laugh and say “Silly, mommy. Silly, pup. Silly, slide. Silly, tree.” Everything is silly.

Her random snuggles. My child loves to hug. She will stop playing and climb up in my lap for a snuggle and say, “Oh, mommy. I love you.” Dave and I took her on a nature walk last weekend and she stopped in the middle to give Dave a hug. She gives hugs and kisses to family members when she’s saying goodbye. When it comes time to say goodbye to our regular play date buddies, she’ll tuck her head down and bring her arms across her body, waiting for them to give her a hug.

 

Her independent and persistent little personality. Everything is “me too” or “by myself” or “me do it”. She insists on doing everything alone, even if she isn’t quite able to yet. She helps sweep floors, vacuum, unpack groceries, fold laundry, and clean up her toys. She’s turning into such a little mommy. Her persistence may be a struggle with potty training which she’s just starting to do. She likes sitting on the big potty and talks about the dollhouse and pet fish we’ve promised her when she learns to wear big girl underwear without accidents. She hates the feeling of wet diapers and will insist on being changed but is just a little too stubborn to put those big girl undies on yet. I’m not pushing it. Everyone says she’ll do it when she’s ready and if you’ve met Sophia, you know that when she wants to do something, she will most certainly do it!

 

Her love of the kitchen. Every morning, Sophia pulls her little chair up to the kitchen counter and declares that we are making muffins. “Mix, mommy. Mix!” she always says. If it’s not muffins with mommy it’s pancakes with daddy. Or spreading the butter on her waffles. And if I’m not cooking, she pretends that she is and is perfectly content mixing flour around in a bowl. She loves pouring liquids until bowls and thinks cracking eggs is fun. She wears my oven mitts and pretends that her play kitchen oven is hot, too.

The way she loves her baby brother already. Sophia’s been so helpful in getting ready for baby. She loves putting all of his toys on his play mat. She helped daddy raise the crib up (Sophia happens to be a big fan of tools!). She loves to “tickle” baby brother in my belly. She tells him to wake up every morning and take a bath. She snuggles my belly sometimes and says, “My baby, my baby!” She’s smitten and I really hope she stays that way when he arrives.

Her love of the outdoors. Sophia would live at the park if we let her. Seriously. She wakes up every morning (sometimes before the sun) and the first words out of her mouth are always “Go to park with big kids.” When I tell her it’s too early and too dark outside she happily replies with, “Bring flashlight.” Smart girl. Nothing can get in her way of spending as many hours each day at the park as possible. She is absolutely fearless these days and insists that she can do everything the big kids do. I love when the big kids (you know, the 4 and 5 year olds) want to actually play with her at the park because it makes her feel so important and proud. Even when some of the big kids are mean and throw wood chips at her, calling her a baby, she smiles and continues to chase them (and I laugh a little at the fact that those mean big kids can’t escape my two year old). My child could run for hours on end. If we’re not at the park, we’re running around outside, pushing her baby stroller on walks, riding her bike, chasing balls down the driveway, spinning in circles with the hula hoop, or making a gigantic mess in the sand and water table. Her heart is most content when she’s outdoors and that makes me so happy.

The way she finally learned how to sleep. The very best part of warmer weather and playing outside all day long is the fact that Sophia has finally learned to sleep (sort of). She’s still not a perfect sleeper but considering where we were, we’ve made tremendous improvements in the past few weeks. Sophia’s been sleeping through the night more times than not each week. I’m talking 8-9 hours (on a rare occasion 10!) of uninterrupted sleep for her which is more than we’ve ever been able to say before. The trade-off has been the reduction in naps on most days but I’m perfectly content with that if it means better nights. Instead of napping she’ll get to watch a movie in the afternoon and we’ll spend time reading books. She’s started falling asleep randomly on the couch in the middle of reading or watching a movie which makes me laugh because this usually comes after a good hour-long battle in which she declares repeatedly, “No nap mommy. Sophia play.” I know that this might just be temporary but we’re enjoying it while it’s here. At least Dave is. I have another baby keeping me up these days!

Her creativity. Sophia is so good at imaginative play. She plays well independently with her toys and loves making her little dolls and Little People talk. She can put together her Playmobil Zoo and lines up all of her animals perfectly on her little ark. She absolutely loves art. She plays with her Playdoh and Dot Art a thousand times each day. She loves to paint. She insists on twisting pipe cleaners into animal shapes and drawing with markers on her easel. We’re not sure where she got this artistic gift from but I consider it a blessing since it’s one that Dave and I truly lack.

How smart she is. I’m biased but my goodness does Sophia catch onto things quickly! She absolutely loves to learn and when she does learn something new, she will tell you about it over and over again. She loves to spell and daddy enjoys teaching her. She can spell her name and a few other words, too. She sings her ABC’s, counts to 20, and is speaking in sentences. Her memory is sharper than mine and she never forgets a detail. Even if it’s something from 5 days ago. She loves making lists and sometimes I think she has a photographic memory. Her development is really taking off with each passing month and I love watching her learn.

 

How much she loves. I will never grow tired of hearing “I love you mommy.” Sophia is the most gentle, compassionate, loving little girl I’ve ever met. She cried for the first time last week when my mom put her in the car for their Thursday grandma-Sophia day together. She’s usually so excited to see grandma and rattles off a list of everything they are going to play that day. This time, she cried when I gave her a kiss goodbye. It was a big-tear, red-face, from the heart kind of cry. She wanted to stay with mommy. It broke my heart and melted it all at the same time. I love how much she needs me and wants to be with me. I know that will fade eventually as she grows but right now, I want to soak up each little “I love you” that her sweet little voice whispers.

27 Weeks

Twenty-seven weeks (well, actually, I'm just about 28 weeks now). Has it really been six weeks already since my last update? I wish I could go back and tell my pregnant-with-Sophia-self to enjoy all of that free time that I had to post about my pregnancy, take pictures of my growing belly, and prepare for a baby. Things are so much different the second time around! I've been busy chasing my "I'm too big for naps, I'm going to play outside all day" toddler that I sometimes forget that I'm pregnant! I've really been enjoying my time with Sophia, though, as busy she keeps me these days. I am soaking up every single minute I have with her as my one and only before I find myself trying to split my time between an energetic, attention-seeking toddler and a very needy newborn.

 

Belly picture on Mother's Day at 27 weeks

She didn't want to be included in this week's picture...all she cared about was a piggy back ride (since baby brother was already taking the front seat)

 

How Far Along: 27 weeks. Less than 13 weeks to go at this point! That sounded like so much time until I realized how much I have left to do. We'll have another ultrasound around 30-32 weeks to see if the partial placenta previa has cleared on it's own, making it safe for me to deliver. If not, my doctor will go ahead and schedule a c-section for me. She was pretty confident that things would separate as they should and I should be able to move forward with delivery the way I see fit. I'm also praying that baby boy decides to stay in until at least his due date. With Sophia I was so anxious to get her out but this time around, I like the idea of being induced again. From a planning perspective, it would make things easier and I honestly felt so relaxed about it all last time around. Plus if I'm induced, my doctor will do it on the day she works from the hospital so I'll have a greater chance of her being able to deliver the baby (she was so calm and wonderful with Sophia's deliver!). Again, someone remind me of my desire to stay pregnant until 40 weeks when I'm uncomfortably huge and hot in August.

Pregnancy Symptoms: I'm comfortable mostly these days, although I will remind Dave at least 100 times a day that I'm really not. I can't get comfortable when I'm sitting or lying down and my feet are usually pretty tired at the end of the day from chasing Sophia from sun-up to sun-down. I'm having awful middle and upper back pain, probably from all of the bending, lifting, and carrying that comes along with having a toddler. Thankfully, the heating pad helps a little and I get a little break when Dave walks in at the end of the day. I've developed nasty acid reflux which I think it contributing to my eating issues. Overall, I can't complain much at this point. I know that I'm in for a lot of discomfort when the weather finally stays warm. These 60 and 70 degree days have been ideal for a pregnant lady, that's for sure. Thank you Mother Nature!

Food Cravings: I'm having a difficult time with food right now, as in I really have no desire to eat most days. Kind of ironic considering I'm always hungry! Nothing sounds appetizing to me (especially chicken!). It's mostly food aversions based on textures and smells at this point.  I have cut out a lot of dairy because it was making my stomach feel just awful. Turns out Almond Milk is actually quite delicious. I have, however, been craving Chobani greek yogurt and sea salt flavored Kettle Chips.

Moves & Grooves: Baby boy used to be so calm and quiet in my belly. He really only moved at night when I was finally able to rest. In the past two weeks, his movements have really picked up. He spends most of the day kicking and punching the inside of my belly. We know he's a long baby so I think he's just running out of room in there. It's been fun feeling the movements again...I forgot what a wonderful feeling it truly is!

Best Pregnancy Moment of the Week: Celebrating Mother's Day while expecting. That first Mother's Day after my very first miscarriage was so difficult. I didn't know it at that time but I was actually just a few weeks pregnant with Sophia when Mother's Day came around. Since then, Mother's Day has taken on a whole new meaning because of the losses we've experienced. I found myself thinking more this year about those women yearning to be moms, struggling with getting pregnant, or dealing with the loss of a baby or child. I feel so blessed to have Sophia but celebrating as a mommy-to-be-of-two was even sweeter this year!

Preparing for Baby: It dawned on me the other day that this last trimester is going to go so quickly...it's about time I get cracking at decorating his room and purchasing some non-pink baby gear! Baby's bedding was finally ordered this week and my design-expert friend came over to help me think over the bare walls and what we could do to add a little life and color to the empty grey walls. It's also about time we schedule a tour of the hospital where we are delivering this time. Since a new hospital opened just around the corner from our house, my doctor has since lost her privileges to practice where we had Sophia. I've heard wonderful things about this new hospital's birthing unit...who doesn't love giant whirlpool tubs?

Preparing Sophia: People have started asking how Sophia feels about having a baby brother. At this point, she's beyond excited. She wakes up every morning asking for baby brother to come out and play. She wants to put him in his car seat and give him a bath. She loves taking out all of the baby toys and telling me how she's going to share her toys with him (yea, we'll see about that one!). She likes to tickle my belly and say "tickle tickle baby brother". She snuggles my belly and tells baby brother to go to sleep. She loves going into his room and telling me where he's going to sleep. I think she gets that there really is a baby brother coming (she tells me "three more months" a lot these days) but I'm still nervous about how she'll react when he's here. She calls him "my baby" and has stopped referring to him as "Hector" and sometimes calls him by the name we've chosen. She'll be such a great big sister but I want to make this summer as special as possible for her since she'll never get to be the only child again!

And now we enter the third trimester....

21 Weeks - Baby BOY!

When I was pregnant with Sophia, I did a series of weekly pregnancy posts to document the experience. It has been so fun to look back on those now that we're expecting baby #2! There's so much that I forgot and I'm thankful that I took the time to document. This time around, I have a little less free time on my hands but I wanted to still document some of the milestone weeks, starting with our mid-way point. Let's start with the belly pic (how I wish I had started these earlier to compare!)...

At 20 weeks, 6 days, Easter Sunday

Someone insisted she be included, too!

How Far Along: 21 Weeks. I can’t believe I waited until halfway through this pregnancy to document the details that I’ll soon forget once little man is in my arms. I’ll kick myself for that one someday. But here we are…more than halfway through this pregnancy! I have to admit, I hope this one slows down just a little. It’s much easier to enjoy it the second time around! Plus, I have a wild sweet toddler I’d like to soak up as many precious only-child moments with before the chaotic life with two littles begins.

Pregnancy Symptoms: Looking back, this pregnancy has been pretty comparable to Sophia’s. Right now, my symptoms include some mild nausea (it came back right around 19 weeks like it did with Sophia), insomnia (but hey, I’m used to not sleeping, right?), and a lack of energy (chasing a toddler while pregnant is like doing cardio all day long!). Early on in the pregnancy, I had awful nausea and the vomiting lasted a few more weeks than it did with Sophia. The one thing that’s been different with this pregnancy was the migraines I experienced towards the end of the first trimester and up until week 17. Thankfully, they’ve gone away now but everyone was convinced we were having a boy for that reason.

Food Cravings: Bagels, blueberry muffins, chocolate milk, and ice cream. I’m having more food aversions than cravings really at this point. During the first trimester, I ate whatever I could keep in me and whatever made my stomach feel better – mostly bland carbs like bagels, crackers, and ginger ale. I haven’t been a fan of meats this time around, especially ground meats like turkey or beef. I’m also finding the taste and texture of plain milk to be weird and rather gross. This one always makes people laugh because apparently milk doesn’t have a texture but there’s just something about it that I can’t get past. Hence the chocolate milk…it’s much smoother and well, delicious (probably because it has no nutritional value, right?).

The Belly: Oh the belly…it’s growing much faster the second time around! Dave looks at me daily and asks if my belly doubled in size overnight (not the nicest thing to say to your pregnant wife, Dave!). With Sophia, I didn’t put on maternity pants until just about halfway through and even then, they were always too big. With this pregnancy, I slapped on those elastic-banded jeans at 12 weeks and felt instant satisfaction. My doctor told me not to worry, that by the third baby you put on maternity pants as soon as the little pee stick says positive. Joy! I’m looking forward to wearing some fun spring/summer maternity clothes this time around. Since Sophia’s pregnancy fell in the middle of winter, it was all pants and sweaters. This time I’ll get to wear all those cute dresses and skirts. Remind me that I was excited about cute summer clothes when I’m complaining how hot and huge I am when the weather gets all humid and sticky.

Best Pregnancy Moment of the Week: Last week we found out that we are having a baby boy!! Dave and I had a feeling it was a boy from early on but we certainly didn’t have our hearts set on it. When we had our ultrasound, it was incredibly obvious what was hiding between baby’s legs and we are thrilled! It’s absolutely wonderful having a little girl but I’m looking forward to learning about raising little boys. From what I hear, it can be quite different and it’ll be fun to experience both. Sophia was convinced she was having a baby sister but is finally coming around to the idea of a baby brother. We have the room all painted with her old nursery furniture in it and she loves going in his room saying, “Baby brother…where are you?” She loves telling people that there’s a baby in mommy’s belly and insists they take a look. She’s going to be such a great big sister. It’s so much fun having her be a part of our preparations and getting her ready for her big, important role.

There were so many cute ideas on Pinterest for a gender reveal but having an energetic toddler to incorporate, I wanted to keep it simple. I whipped up a little banner and blew up some balloons and Sophia was in heaven. She actually smiled! Here's how we shared the news of what we were expecting:

Pink or Blue?

It's crazy when I stop and think about the fact that I'm just about halfway through this pregnancy. I'll be 20 weeks come Monday and on Tuesday we'll find out if there's a little lady or gent tucked away in my belly. Most importantly, we'll get another peek at what we pray is a healthy little baby!

When I was pregnant with Sophia, I did a series of weekly pregnancy posts on the blog and I have to admit, I wish I had started that again this time around. It's been fun looking back at all of the details of my first pregnancy that I have already forgotten about it. I keep telling people how different this pregnancy is than Sophia's but in actuality, the two appear to sync up quite perfectly. I think I'll start sharing a few weekly pregnancy updates (and the much-requested bump pictures) after our ultrasound next week. Until then, I thought it would be fun to take a look at the gender predictor quizzes and old wives tales to see if this baby is a girl or a boy. When I did this with Sophia, the tests proved to be correct as nearly all predicted we were having a girl! Let's see what those online gender predictor tests say this time around...

Parents.com quiz: It's a boy!

Babyzone.com: It's a girl!

Childbirth.org: It's a girl!

Justmommies.com: It's a girl!

And just for fun, the Chinese Lunar Calendar says we're having a boy.

And now for the Old Wives Tales...

Carrying High, Carrying Low: According to this old wives tale, if you carry low it's a boy and high it's a girl. This one was wrong with Sophia because I carried really low. Right now, it appears that I'm actually carrying right in the middle, a little higher than I did with Sophia. This one's too close to call.

Heartbeats: The story goes, if the heartbeat is above 140 it's a girl and under is a boy. At our 16 week appointment baby's heartbeat was still a strong 155. Prior to that it was up in the 170's. This old wives tale would indicate we're having a girl. This proved to be true for Sophia!

Craving Something?: Sweets mean a girl, sour or salty foods indicate a boy. I'm actually craving neither during this pregnancy. So far, all I want is bagels, bagels, and more bagels...with a few blueberry muffins mixed in. I suppose if I had to pick between the two, I've had more chocolate than anything sour or salty. I did go through a chocolate milkshake phase early on. We'll give a half a point towards girl on this one.

Time to Shave: They say if the hair on your legs is growing faster during pregnancy then you're having a boy. Thankfully, this one isn't true this time around. Shaving your legs during pregnancy is just uncomfortable! Another point for a baby girl.

Headaches: I didn't look at this one when pregnant with Sophia because it wasn't really an issue. This time around, however, I had awful migraines from weeks 12-17. Everyone kept telling me that meant that I was having a boy.

Green at the Gills: Morning sickness early in pregnancy indicates a girl. Unfortunately, I had plenty of morning, noon, and night sickness early in pregnancy (and even today) so we're giving another point to the girl tally.

Meat or Fruit?: Craving meat usually points to a boy, according to the old tales while craving fruit indicates a girl. Given how sick meat makes me feel during this pregnancy (just like with Sophia), I'm going with fruit on this one. Although, I did have one fleeting moment while out to dinner for my dad's birthday where I indulged in a huge bacon cheeseburger. I absolutely regretted it afterwards and have been staying clear of meat since. Let's see what happens when Sendik's busts out their chipotle cheeseburgers for summer grilling...I had a craving for one of those the day of my cheeseburger incident. Another girl point.

Mirror, Mirror: Story goes, baby girls steal their mother's looks during pregnancy. Unlike with Sophia, the hormones appear to not be impacting my appearance as much. I looked like a pre-pubescent boy during my last pregnancy but this time, my skin appears softer and smoother. A point for the boys!

Mmmm, bread: If there was an old wives tale about bread, it was made for me and my bread cravings. This one has to do with the heel of the loaf of bread. If you eat it, you're having a boy and if you refuse to eat it, it's a girl. Sorry boys, but I toss that heel straight into the garbage once it's sliced right off. Plus, I prefer my bread in round, bagel form these days. Cheddar herb bagels to be exact. Now I'm having a craving : ) Another point for girl.
So, it looks like between the online quizzes, Chinese calendar, and the old wives tales, we have nine points for a girl and four for a boy. It appears that the general prediction is a girl this time around, too. Of course all of those things are just for fun. So what do we think? Well, I've pretty much been convinced during this entire pregnancy that it is a boy. Dave thought it was a boy from the very beginning but is now leaning towards a girl. Sophia, well she keeps talking about her baby sister so it appears her mind is made up. Everyone else says we're having a boy...mostly because of the migraines I was having. After people ask you what you think you're having, they ask you what you want. And honestly, we will be perfectly happy with either a boy or girl. I keep telling everyone that aside from being healthy, I just want a baby that sleeps!!

Sophia Turns Two

It's hard to believe that our sweet baby girl is already two! There's something exciting about having a two year old in the house. She is so much fun and is really developing quite the personality. She loves to smile and loves attention. She really loves to learn which makes this mommy very happy. Sophia knows her alphabet, can count to ten, can talk in simple sentences, knows her shapes (the child can tell me the difference between a pentagon, hexagon, and octagon!), and appears to have a photographic memory because she never, ever, forgets where she puts anything. She's incredibly nurturing - she loves taking her baby dolls on walks, feeding them, and rocking them. She is attentive to the needs of other kids and loves to share her toys. She's still incredibly strong-willed, independent, and determined but those are all characteristics that I think will prove beneficial later in life and I don't see them changing anytime soon. Sophia loves to sing and will request that you sing along to all of her favorite songs - Jingle Bells, Twinkle Little Star, Row Row Row Your Boat, and Mary Had a Little Lamb. She will dance in circles for hours if music is playing. She loves doing jigsaw puzzles, coloring, painting, and riding her bike. She loves soccer and basketball and I think she's going to be a great athlete someday. She has to pick out her own hair bows each morning but will quickly pull them out to play soccer. She's the perfect mix of sweet little girl and rough little tomboy. I don't think it's possible to love her any more than I already do but then she gives me a, "Mommy, love you" and my heart melts. She is such a joy and I look forward to watching her grow over the next year!

Since her birthday fell on a Saturday this year, we planned a full day of celebrations. We started the morning with candles atop our muffins, a Dora balloon, and some presents from mommy and daddy (puzzles, coloring books, and a basketball hoop).

After some playtime at home, we got ready and met up with Sophia very bff, Ayden, at the indoor playground for some fun. It's so much fun watching those two play together. It's even better when the daddy's are around to chase after them! After Just 4 Fun, Sophia took a nice long nap while her godmother came into town to help me get ready for her party. Have I mentioned how much I love her godmother? She is so so SO good to Sophia and loves her so much. And she's pretty good to me too because she helped with the decorations that I simply didn't have the time (or creative energy) to make.

I decided on a "You are My Sunshine" themed party for Sophia this year. What's better than adding a little bit of bright colors to the mix in the middle of a cold Wisconsin winter? One of the downsides of having a February birthday is that you're stuck inside but we had fun with this one. Sophia truly is a little ray of sunshine - her personality just shines through and she brings so much joy to us and everyone who loves her.

 



 

Exciting News!

We were thrilled to share our news yesterday with all of our family and friends that we're expecting baby #2. We've received so much love, support, and many well wishes and we are so SO thankful!

A few weeks ago we got a glimpse of our baby on the ultrasound screen and I can't begin to tell you what a wonderful feeling it was seeing the baby's little heart beating away. Baby was moving all about and had a nice strong heartbeat. Aftering dealing with loss over the past year, this was one big sigh of relief for Dave and I. Yesterday, we finally got to hear the baby's heartbeat. My doctor welcomed us to the second trimester, told me to relax, and assured me that everything was perfect with the baby.

In preparation for sharing the news, I wanted to grab a few cute pictures of Sophia. In the era of Pinterest, it's easy to get carried away with over the top pregnancy announcements. I knew I wanted to keep it simple but cute so I whipped up a little chalkboard sign and convinced myself that Sophia would sit for a few pictures. I must be crazy! Here's a behind the scenes look at how things went...

My first attempt was before church on Sunday.... clearly she's not interested in sitting for me. And she did NOT want to go near mommy's little sign. Of course.

 

N: Can you please smile for mommy? Pllllleeeeassse?

S: No momma. Play ball.

 

I thought maybe I'd have luck with the fireplace but nope, still wouldn't sit still or hold the chalkboard.

 



 

I tried again after nap. I tried our bed where Sophia loves to play. I tried the rocking chair in her room. I finally hung the sign on the wall and got her to sit in her little wooden rocker.

 

N: Sophia, mommy wants to take your picture to tell people about your baby brother or sister.

S: No. No. No. (Insert pouty lips)

 

 

That's when I decided it was time to put the camera away. There would be no cute Pinterest-inspired pregnancy announcement with an almost two year old. As I was putting the camera away, I said something to Sophia about the baby in my belly and she stopped, flashed me a smile, lifted her shirt and said, "Baby Sophia belly."

 

And that's how we got this:

 

 

 

Silly girl really thinks there is a baby in her belly. She also thinks she's getting a baby sister.

Twenty-Three Months

I should preface this post by saying that it's been brewing in my head for a long time...over the past year, actually. I wasn't sure if I wanted to expose the honest truth about one of my greatest struggles as a parent but here I am, spilling the beans because it's finally easier to talk about it than to pretend like it doesn't exist. This will be a long, probably boring post that nobody may ever read but it's a part of our story, Sophia's story, and I need to document it someplace. And if you're a sleep-deprived parent of a child with sleep issues, I know you'll appreciate the honesty.

Twenty three months. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve had a full, good night’s sleep. Actually, if you include those uncomfortable months of pregnancy when restful sleep was unachievable, you’re looking at more than two years without sleep. Two Years of absolute sleep deprivation.

I know I’m not the only parent who has experienced this type of sleep deprivation. And if I’m being completely honest, I am thankful for that. I am thankful to have met other moms to commiserate with (hey Jessica!). I’m thankful to find other moms awake in the wee hours of the morning writing blog posts about how their toddler won’t sleep. It makes me feel a little better and a little less alone in this journey.

I should start by saying that I love my child dearly. In fact, sometimes I think our sleep issues stem from the fact that I love Sophia so darn much. When she was a newborn she was spoiled rotten (who are we kidding, she still is!). We held her all the time. We fed her when she cried. We gave into her every single demand, no matter the time of day. Why? Because we were new parents. We were ignorant. We were lost trying to navigate the big ole’ sea of parenthood without any sort of clear map or guidance. Sure, I had read the baby books, including those on sleep. Sure, I’d taken my fair share of college courses regarding child development. Sure, we’d listened to the advice from family and friends. The truth is, it’s incredibly easy to get off track early on, especially if your child has the type of personality that Sophia has. So, yes, I love my child more than I ever thought possible. With that said, having a child who isn’t fond of sleep is the single most challenging issue I think I’ll ever face as a parent. It makes being a parent SO hard.

What’s so bad about Sophia’s sleep habits, you ask? Well, the shortened version is that she’s never liked to sleep. Even as a baby, she would sleep in small increments. It’s as though she never really fell into a deep sleep. She preferred to be held when she slept or in constant movement. If we weren’t rocking her, she had to be in a moving car, her swing, or her vibrating bouncy seat. Simply laying Sophia in her crib for a nap or at night was never an option. We tried swaddling and not swaddling. We tried a white noise machine, music, and no noise at all. We tried nightlights and complete darkness. We tried rocking to the point of being drowsy and putting her down and not rocking at all. My child is made of stone and apparently Dave and I are not. Sophia has the sweetest, bubbly, most charming little personality. Everyone who meets her comments on how fun, sweet, and smart she is. And after they spend a little more time with her, they also comment on how stubborn, strong-willed, independent, and determined she is. Yes, most toddlers have these characteristics. My child…she’s just a little more of everything. A little more stubborn. A little more determined. A little more manipulative. She’s just more than your average toddler.

Family and friends used to think we were kidding about Sophia’s sleep. They didn’t (and couldn’t) possibly understand. We would try to structure our days around what little routine or schedule Sophia would allow. We would spend hours driving around at night just to get her to stop crying and fall asleep long enough for us to get some rest. We would cancel plans with friends if Sophia fell asleep. To this day, I will not throw my child off of the schedule we’ve worked so hard to establish. People think we’re been stuffy, or over-protective, or just downright mean but the truth is, when you’re in our situation, you do what you have to in order to ensure your child gets proper rest. And sometimes, I don’t have the energy to have adult conversations, put on nice clothes, or even get up off the couch once I finally get Sophia down for the night.

We’ve talked to numerous pediatricians, visited a sleep doctor, consulted with other specialists to rule out medical causes, and spent hours pouring through books and online articles about sleep. Sometimes I feel like a sleep expert myself. I could tell you exactly what to do with a newborn baby to help establish good sleep routines from the very beginning. I can name every single method of sleep training and their respective authors. I can tell you the benefits and disadvantages of said sleep training methods. I can pretty much recite useless sleep information until I’m blue in the face. The truth is: I still can’t get my toddler to sleep!

While Sophia still doesn’t sleep through the night, we’ve made some progress. Our biggest accomplishment: naptime! Sophia transitioned to one nap a day shortly before her first birthday and this has really helped. Sophia eats lunch at 11:30am every day and then goes down for a nap at noon. She usually sleeps three hours, sometimes a little less and other times a little more. This has been my saving grace. I have never been so thankful for that break in our day, especially if we’ve had a rough night. I used to spend Sophia’s naptime getting stuff done around the house. Now, I lie in bed and close my eyes, if even just to rest because my goodness, I think I’ve earned an afternoon nap. Plus, I never know what my night is going to look like.

At nighttime, Sophia has a pretty consistent bedtime routine. After dinner we have some playtime before heading upstairs for her bath. After bath she puts on her jammies and we read books. Sophia needs a good half hour of down time before going to sleep and reading books helps. She gets a cup of milk (and sometimes a snack if she didn’t eat a good dinner). Then it’s bedtime. Sophia’s in a big bed now and we’re trying hard to break her of the rocking-to-sleep habit. The sleep doctor said it’s perfectly fine to rock your child before bed, but that it’s best to put her down while she’s still awake but drowsy. This where I think the sleep doctor needs to come to my house. This is an impossible task. We’ve tried. Or I should say Dave’s tried because I get too frustrated with this process. Sophia’s personality simply doesn’t allow for this. Her persistence results in constant getting back up and we have to start the process all over again, only we take ten steps back each time and she becomes more awake than sleepy. Once we finally get Sophia asleep in her bed, she’ll likely wake up 2-3 times which requires us starting over with her routine. Sometimes if I’m lucky I can sort of push her body back down in bed and rub her back until she falls back asleep. Sometimes she doesn’t fall back into a deep, restful sleep and she stirs every half hour or so. Sophia is always up for the day at 4 a.m. Yes, 4 a.m. My child has always been an early riser and again, the sleep doctor said that this will likely not change. Some people are biologically programmed this way. Joy!

Why am I sharing all of this? Because I know that I am not the only parent experiencing this. I know that people like to brag about what great sleepers their children are and those with kids like Sophia, well, they hide in shame because it’s easier NOT to talk about the struggles. I also feel like this blog is a good way for me to document everything about parenting – the good, the bad, and the downright ugly (file sleep issues under ugly). I feel like I’ve done a horrible job of documenting Sophia’s first two years of life in the form of an actual baby book or scrapbook or something tangible because I don’t have the extra energy in me. I enjoy writing and wish I had done more these last two years but for now, this blog will serve as a place to look back someday, when Sophia’s a little older, and reflect on the good, the bad, and the ugly experiences of these early years.

I am confident that we’ll get past this and someday it’ll seem like an insignificant issue compared to what the teenage years will likely bring. But for now, it’s real life. It’s hard. It’s our reality and I can’t undermine that. I can only hope that when our next baby comes along, I’ll approach sleep in a whole new way and will do everything in my power to make sure that baby #2 is the best darn sleeper in the whole wide world. I can dream, can’t I?

Just for fun, here are a few recent pictures of Sophia...