Identity Crisis

Okay, so maybe calling it an identity crisis is a little extreme but I am certainly experiencing some sort of identity shake-up. You see, I was so comfortable living the life of a student for so many years that entering the "real world" has really shaken me up a little. It's been almost nine months since I finished graduate school and since I started my "grown-up job"... but for some reason, I still find myself longing for that student life.

There is so much about the student life that appeals to me. First, there's the flexibility of the scheduling. I determined if I was going to have morning or evening classes. I was able to fit a work-out into the middle of the day without hurry. I could spend hours at Barnes and Nobel or a coffee shop, writing papers or finishing readings for class. Yes, the flexibility is certainly something I miss. I also miss the learning. I really enjoy sitting in a class with other students learning about things that I am passionate about... increasing my knowledge. I love the smell of new textbooks and the way my hand hurts after taking notes during a lecture. Call me a nerd, but learning is something I really enjoy. And lastly, I miss being surrounded by my friends. I miss living in the dorms, where friends are just next door. Or in an apartment with one of my oldest friends, watching hours of reality television to take a break from our graduate studies. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he makes a great roommate but there is something about college life... something about the schedule, the learning, the friends... that makes me think its way more fun than the "real world".

I was so eager to graduate, both from undergrad and graduate school. When I was offered a job prior to graduating this past May, I considered myself fortunate and accepted the first position offered to me, fearing that there might not be any other offers given the state of our economy. I always enjoyed working in the area of health care but I was a little apprehensive about working with adults instead of children. My passion, my focus, had always been on working with children. After months of training, I officially started seeing Oncology patients at a local hospital and that's where I am today. Oncology is hard. HARD. And exhausting. So many people say it's also rewarding but right now I just feel like it's hard, emotionally draining, and a lot of work. Maybe it's not just oncology. Maybe it's just having a regular full-time job that's exhausting. Having REAL responsibility really isn't fun. Is it bad to admit that? Is it bad to some days just want to be a student again? Because today, I'm admitting that the real world is hard and that I would LOVE to be a student again.

The thing I miss the most about being a student is the hope, the optimism, the opportunities... the world is literally at your feet when you are a student. You can explore what you are passionate about and dream big dreams. I'm a little sad that once you walk across that stage, receive your diploma, and flip your tassel, reality sets in. The truth is, we all need to graduate at some point. And today, I am reminding myself that even though I've finished school, I don't have to give up that hope, optimism, and passion. It's okay for me to think my job is hard to question whether it's a good fit for me. It's okay for me to think to the future, about the doors that will continue to open. Today, it's okay to be a little sad that I'm not a student anymore. Yes, I'm experiencing an identity shake-up and I'm realizing that it is perfectly okay.