Resolving

I’ve never been one to make resolutions at the start of a new year. Exercise more. Eat healthier. Spend less, save more. To me, these resolutions seem destined to fail right from the start. This year must be different, for whatever reason, because I’ve thought long and hard about a few resolutions of my own. I vow though that my resolutions aren’t so superficial – they are practical things that I fully expect to be able to achieve. Not just that, but they are things that I’ve already been working on for a while. I’m not going for a body makeover here; I’m going for a change in my thinking, my actions, and who I am as a person. I’m simply reminding myself this New Year of these things I’d like to change about myself and re-dedicating this year to working even harder to achieve them. So, in no particular order or without any real logic, here are a few things I’ll be working on in 2011:

1. Not sweating the small stuff. Sounds so simple, right? Maybe if you’re a go-with-the-flow, relaxed person. I’m the complete opposite. I’m that over-anal, Type A, neurotic, planner type of person who manages to always make a big deal out of something so small. Like cleaning. When I say “don’t sweat the small stuff” I’m referring to my need to keep my house spotless by constantly cleaning as if I’m waiting for the Queen herself to ring my doorbell and invite herself in for an inspection. I’m referring to my need to grocery shop on the same day each week, but only after the laundry is sorted and in the wash. I’m referring to my need to be a bit more go-with-the-flow. To cross out things in my planner and schedule time for myself. For the things that I enjoy. This year, I vow to have a messier house, a messier planner, and a less jam-packed schedule. This will be no small task, let me tell you, and I am well aware of it. But I think that now, more than ever, with a baby on the way and a complete change to my lifestyle, is as best a time as ever.

2. Standing up for myself. I’m a people-pleaser. I have been for as long as I can remember. I think I am mostly responsible for making myself this way – the pressure I put on myself to perform academically, to be a good daughter, and to live up to other people’s expectations of me. During all of this pleasing other people, I often forget that I have a voice and opinions that matter. In the past few years, I’ve noticed that I find it easy to use my voice when it comes to advocating for the things that are important to me. But the instances in which I do that are limited. Take my blog for example – I find it easy to stand up for my beliefs around adoption and orphan care. It’s easy for me to stand strong in my Christian faith. But in times of conflict, confrontation, or when I come head-to-head with bullies or those over-opinionated, always-right people in my life, I back down because it’s easier to just let them have their way than fight. This causes me a lot of internal conflict and stress. So this year, I’m going to stand strong in my opinions and values and make my own wishes known. I’m not going to scour in the face of conflict or disagreement but rather I feel confident in my ability to articulate my feelings. This one makes me feel so childish but if I’ve learned anything since becoming a “real” adult, it’s that there are a heck of a lot more bullies in the real world than any elementary school playground.

3. Finding purpose in my work. I struggle with this one the most. I do not doubt that Social Work is the right profession for me. I am confident that my passion and purpose in this world is to advocate for and be a voice for the disadvantaged. I sometimes struggle with seeing this gift of working with the underprivileged, the “least of these”, as a GIFT rather than a burden. The work is hard, the pay is terrible, and the hours are long. This year especially I am struggling with how I am going to reconcile my career path with my new life as a mom. Working in child welfare is emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding and draining. The average length of time in a position is a year, if you’re one of the lucky ones to not experience an immediate burnout. Add a new baby on top of things, the emotions that come along with being a first-time parent and working simultaneously in field of child welfare and it is even easier to lose focus, passion, and purpose in this work. With that, I struggle with wanting to be home with our daughter instead of spending my days focusing on the welfare of other children. I don’t want to miss those important moments in her life. I want to find balance between being a mother and being a Social Worker. There are many decisions to be made in the next few months when it comes to work as I struggle to prioritize my work as a professional with my work as a mother.

4. Reprioritizing. This ties into the last one a bit. I won’t go into extreme detail on this other than to say that I’ve really been taking a long, hard look at my life and where I want it to go in the next few years. Having a baby certainly causes you to reflect and reprioritize…it’s going to be a long process to get to where I need to or want to be at but I’m open to the challenge.

5. Be the best parent and wife I can possibly be. It’s that simple. I don’t expect to be perfect – I expect to struggle with the demands of being a new parent and I expect our marriage to have its ups and downs as we adjust to this new little person in our lives. I want to be conscious of this and intentional in my actions throughout the next year of transition (and beyond) so that I always show my husband and daughter the love they deserve.

6. Learn to say "no"! I think this ties into the people-pleasing and standing up for myself. Dave always reminds me that my plate is full already and that I have to learn to say "no" to people and things sometime. This one is for me personally to not feel guilty about saying "no" once in a while which should help with the whole reprioritizing thing.